the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize