Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
