I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
