Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
