My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
