Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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