Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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