Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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