that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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