My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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