Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Randomize
