if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
