so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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