shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
