so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
