More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
