I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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