Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
