Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
