I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
