it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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