I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
