Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
