bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
