saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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