By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize