Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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