I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
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