He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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