The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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