she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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