she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
