so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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