My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize