I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
