my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sext me about skeletons
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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