I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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