Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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