Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
