Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Holy sore nipples Batman
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
