i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
