Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize