I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
