Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
