just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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