i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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