Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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