i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
