were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
