heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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