Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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