just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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