my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
