i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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