My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
