i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
