Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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