I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
